Big World

Have you ever felt like packing up your life and everything your use to and moving away? Moving to a little apartment that overlooks a big noisy city filled with different kinds of people. Moving somewhere completely alone, where you know no one. I think of this all the time, in fact I desire to do this someday. I don’t mean move forever, but wouldn’t it be neat to do such a thing for a little while. Imagine how much you could learn about yourself. Imagine how much you could learn about other people. The things you could accomplish during those moments of being alone are endless. Not having the distractions of everyone and everything that you’re use to, not having a set schedule or a routine life to live by. Wouldn’t that be so neat? I’m a people watcher, I am fascinated by people. Every person is so unique and different that I find it so interesting. A persons style, a persons speech, a persons mannerisms, whether a person cares about the views of society or whether they are completely independent… all these things stand out so much to me and I am captured by it. I want to live somewhere that is filled with different people; I want to live in a little apartment that overlooks such people and watch them pass by my window each day. I wonder if I would see familiar faces, I wonder if I would give them a name or if they would just pass by and that would be that. I think about such things, and I hope to someday turn my “wonders” into a reality. I think my favourite kind of people are those with the “not a care in the world” attitude, those who go about each day with a smile on their face doing their own thing. Those who could walk down the street and sing to themselves and not care about others passing by, those who could walk out of their homes wearing something so unique… those are the people that stand out, those are the people that I admire most. I think the world is filled with so much beauty, and so often it is right beside us and we let it pass us by. Notice the people of this world, notice their uniqueness, notice how beautiful each and every person is. Maybe someday I will get that little apartment that over looks a big noisy city filled with different kinds of people. That apartment that overlooks the beauty and wonder of this world.

Wuv, Twu Wuv, is what Bwings us togeva today...

True love… what is true love? Is it the love we see in movies, or the love we read about in fairytales? Is it the love we see in a couple who just celebrated 50 years, or is it the stories we hear about high school sweethearts? I suppose I don’t know the answer to this question, because everyone has a different idea of what they think love is. I am going to tell you what I think of when I hear the word love… men… plain and simple, I think of the opposite gender. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Let me elaborate, I think of the ideal man… not sure if he exists, but… he might. Alright here it goes, my ideal man:

1. He MUST LOVE JESUS
2. He must have a sense of humour
3. He must be respectful
4. He must love me for me

Notice how I made the first point stand out? I did that to show how important that is to me. I refuse to go into a relationship with a guy and have this attitude… “Well I mean he’s not a Christian … yet… maybe someday? Maybe I will be that person who shows him who Jesus is!” NO! I mean of course be that person to show him who Jesus is, but be that friend, not that girlfriend. Some people might see that first point as such insignificance in a relationship, but I know from experience how truly, truly important it is. How easy a person will step foot into a relationship, completely aware of all the red flags that surround it. It is heartbreaking to see girls and boys place themselves in relationships where they get treated like dirt… key words “prince & princess” if the person you are currently in a relationship with doesn’t treat you as such… GET OUT! When you’re in a relationship Jesus should be the center, he should be the focus of the whole relationship, and the most important thing is you must make sure you do not lose focus of Jesus, that your love for him stays so strong, Jesus comes first always. If you date a non-Christian how do you expect to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, how do you expect to stay strong in your faith? You may think “Oh, this is no problem; I love Jesus so much; nothing will separate me from him!”… And then your relationship with the “significant other” gets more serious and voila… Jesus who? It breaks my heart to see people push Christ away so easily, it breaks my heart to see people get into relationships that are so unhealthy; it breaks my heart when they are so blind and they think “oh he loves me, most of the time… when he’s not mad.” Does that sound healthy to you? Does that sound like your ideal relationship? I hope not, and I hope that if this is you… you see that you are so much better than that, that you get out of that relationship, mend your relationship with Jesus and wait till the match God has for you comes along. Don’t waste your time with people that aren’t going to do anything but hurt you, and it’s a sad reality that most of the time those people don’t yet know Jesus. Surround yourself with someone who will bring you up, not down. Someone who will love you, not break your heart.

Beauty from our Pain

        “I wish she was here… I still remember driving 180 down the street; running into the house and doing CPR on Kate… I remember holding my little brother telling him everything was going to be okay.” Its crazy how one phone call can completely shake your world. It could be anything from a relationship ending to a sick grandparent to finding out your going to lose your house. How about a phone call telling you that your little sister just hung herself? I can’t even begin to imagine. That short drive could not seem any longer, holding her lifeless body trying to bring it back to life could not seem any more hopeless, holding your little brother telling him everything was going to be okay could not seem any more terrifying, especially when you’re unsure yourself. Imagine how many regrets you would have in that moment, how many “if only I did this” or “maybe if this went differently things would have happened differently” but the one that breaks my heart the most is “this is all my fault.” I can’t stress enough how circumstances such as these are no ones fault, and it is a sad reality that most people cannot comprehend that. When tragedy strikes the first to blame is themselves. It is heartbreaking; don’t they have enough to deal with let alone putting all those burdens onto their shoulders? My respect is endless to those who have faced tragedies in their lives such as losing a family member, the strength that those people portray in inspiring. To be able to sit back and watch them go about their lives, trying their hardest to keep it together for their little brother, trying their hardest to wear that smile that is so familiar to everyone, trying their hardest to act as though everything is okay. I commend those people. I feel that those people are going to be able to go into the world and conquer anything that comes their way, any challenge they are faced with will be so insignificant to them because of the challenges they have faced at one time in their life. I know someone who fits in this category… lets call him M… he is person who has lost so much, but still wakes up each morning knowing it is another day, wearing that smile, heading off to work to make the best life for his brother possible. He is a perfect advocate of strength. “For when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great JOY, for you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” James 1:2-3 M uses his troubles, he uses his pain and finds beauty within it. He notices the beautiful things in life despite all he has lost. This is so amazing and I can only hope others would do the same, when your faced with a tragedy your life doesn’t need to stop, you must persevere and grow… find the beauty within your pain.

What Matters?

Do I not exist? Do the things I do not matter? Do they know how much their lack of attention hurts me? It’s not that I need the spot light all the time, but once in awhile it doesn’t hurt. Do they even know what I do in California? Do they even care?

My sister is currently enrolled at a performing arts school in Toronto. She loves to perform, she is a phenomenal singer, heck she’s a triple threat! Words can’t even describe how proud I am of her, but at the same time I am perhaps a tad envious. It’s just that people take such an interest in what she is doing; they are constantly asking her questions. It’s like they see a point in what she is doing… but apparently they don’t see a point in what I’m doing. I suppose it hurts most because what I am doing matters to me, and I don’t think they see that. Do they not see how happy I am? When I talk about my life in California I am glowing. I am so filled with joy when I speak about the friends I’ve made, overcome with happiness when I talk about the church and the things I do within it. I suppose they don’t notice these things, because they don’t ask.

I guess it just hurts to see people in such awe over my sister, while I just sit there wondering if anyone cares. Maybe I am being a big baby, but for know I don’t care. They make jokes… to them they are hilarious, to me it hurts. I don’t think they see that either. They laugh, I walk away. Take a hint maybe… it’s not funny. “Oh she won’t be coming out with us because she believes in God”… like what does that even mean? “You shouldn’t watch this or do that because you’re Christian now right?” I’m sick of it. It’s funny to me though, because the place I use to call home, has never felt more strange. I suppose I didn’t think California would take the place of home, at least not this quick, but I feel safe there. I can freely talk about my faith without getting ridiculed, I can freely pray without being mocked.

All I really want is for my family to take an interest in the things that I am doing, the things in life that I care about. Even the simplest things seem impossible… read my journals…look at this photo… listen to this story… the response I tend to always get “maybe later.” If it involves my sister though it seems they can drop anything and everything to listen to a song… watch a dance… hear about the adventures in Toronto. I am trying to be strong and show them that it doesn’t phase me, so that maybe they will see a change in me, maybe they will see the patience and obedience I am trying to practice with them, maybe they would see the love I am trying to pour out to them and then maybe they will start to ask questions, but I’m at my breaking point, I’m exhausted.

I feel what I am doing in California is so important, it is teaching me so much about who I am, what my purpose is in life. I think the things I am learning are going to help me throughout my life, down the road, into my future. I suppose all I can really do at this point is persevere, persevere, persevere…

Remember When.

Remember how fast high school flew by? In the blink of an eye four years of your life had passed, it was time to begin your life. It is so crazy to me how the important, exciting moments in a persons life pass by just like that. It’s the moments that we wish would fly by that tend to drag on forever. What happened to our child hood? What happened to our adolescent years? What happened to birthday parties and play dates and recess? Where does the time go?

It seems like maybe a week ago I was saying goodbye to friends and family and boarding a plane to California. It seems like yesterday I was shaking hands with strangers who would soon be like family. It seems like yesterday I was adjusting to my new life. It is so strange how the last four months have come and gone. Though those months have come and gone, one thing still remains and that is memories. The memories built with these people are ones that will last a life time. Tears, laughs, anger… we’ve experienced it all, and looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I suppose coming to California I had some expectations… sunshine, new relationships, deeper knowledge and understanding of who God is. I expected a change, a change in my life. What I didn’t expect was that the relationships built would be so much more than a new friend, they would be like family. What I didn’t expect was that California would steal my whole heart, this church, the people, everything about this place I am completely in love with. Looking back I have no regrets, looking back I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I could ask is for time to slow down, because before I know it the second half of this internship will be over too, and soon this place I am so in love with will just be another memory.

Years from now I will look back at this as a “remember when.” Remember when I lived in California for a year… remember when I lived with six boys and one girl… remember when I interned at the most amazing church… remember when I had an incredible group of Californian friends. I hope that the connection I have made with this place will remain with me forever, that I will be able to bring my family here someday and show them the place that impacted my life in such an amazing way. Thank God for opportunities such as these.

Never Grow Up.

Do you ever wish you could go back? Back to the days when nothing mattered, back to the days when you could dress how YOU wanted to, not how society wanted you to. Back to the days when you could be friends with whoever you wanted to, and no one would question it. Back to the days when you could freely dream without people telling you it is impossible. Sometimes I wish I could go back, sometimes I wish I could pause and rewind and stay young and careless for a little while longer. I can’t help but laugh when I look back to the worries I once would stress about, how insignificant they are to the worries I face now, yet I know my worries now will also be insignificant in a short while. I remember always talking with my friends; saying things like “I can’t wait to grow up,” and “when I get older I’m going to wear this and do that…” It’s funny how we talk now… “I wish we could go back,” and “remember when we were kids and we could wear this and do that…”

We live in a world where we are pressured to grow up; we are pressured to be people that were not. We live in a world where beauty is portrayed as the skinny supermodel with caked make up posing on the cover of magazines. That’s not beauty; beauty is a person’s heart, the love that should overflow from it. Beauty is how a person treats and acts towards others. It is sad that children as young as ten years old are pressured into being “beautiful,” pressured into looking “right.”

If I could give a young child advice it would be this… enjoy being young, enjoy not having responsibilities, enjoy the freedom! I would tell them to be who they are, be real, have full hearts, love unconditionally. I would tell them to not listen to the views of the world, to not listen to what society declares as “normal.” Though I know this is what I would tell them, what I would hope they would do, I know very well that most young children won’t listen to this advice. I guess I can only hope that one day they will realize this on their own, they will realize that they are young and they should enjoy being young, that they will depend not on the pressures of society but on the condition of their own hearts, making sure that they are as they should be… overflowing with love.

Missions to Mexico.

When I think Mexico I think of a laid back holiday and sun tans, I think resorts and beaches and freedom. It is crazy what lies outside of that. What lies outside of that is poverty, people working in rundown shacks to make ends meat, people living in concrete buildings with no doors or windows, people wearing dirty clothes and looking as though they haven’t showered in years. This is what lies outside people’s vacation spots… a person’s reality.

The opportunity to go and reach out to these people living with nothing was an amazing experience. A group of twelve of us headed to San Qunitin to bring Christmas bags to children who would not receive much, if anything, this holiday season. We headed down for a short missions trip on Thursday. It was a long drive and when we arrived we ate and headed to our hotel for an early night. The following morning a few of us got up early and headed to a local home where we prepared breakfast for the rest of the team. San Qunitin is a Spanish speaking city and I not knowing a lick of Spanish stood and watched as the others conversed. Shortly after breakfast we headed out to a local orphanage and a local Old Folks home where both Gary and David went in to see if there was any way we could reach out to them, if there anything they needed help with. We were able to give shoes to the people living in the old folk’s home.

Friday evening Gary spoke at a church, we headed there and listened as Gary spoke on reaching out to people and being a witness to people, doing whatever it takes to help people find God, to bring them into relationship with him. After the sermon we grabbed some Christmas bags and began handing them out to children, it was so humbling to see these children so grateful for such a small token. Something of which most people would take for granted, a simple toothbrush, a small toy, to most would mean nothing, to them it meant the world. After the children received their bags, they sat down with smiles as they looked at the things they had just got. We then brought out bags of shoes and allowed the older people of the church to come and grab what they needed, as they collected shoes of all sizes and styles I couldn’t help but notice the shoes on their feet. Holes, no laces, ripped, tattered, too big, too small, it was heartbreaking. They didn’t care what the shoes looked like that they were getting, they were just so grateful they had something to put on their feet. It was nice to leave that church that night knowing that the people of the church were leaving with smiles on their faces. After this we headed off to the beach where some of the boys set off fireworks. We didn’t stay long because we had a circus to get to, when we arrived at the circus we were late, it was half over but we went anyways, it was a neat little experience. We headed back to the hotel after to prepare for another early morning.

The final morning in Mexico we headed to another church where we handed out Christmas bags to more children, this church had much more children than the last. Once again I was overcome with joy as I watched these children’s faces light up when they received their small gifts. It was so amazing to be a witness to this.

This concluded our journey to Mexico; although it was a short trip it was all worth it. What a blessing to be a part of such an experience, what an honour it was to reach out to the less fortunate, what a great thing to be a witness to. God has filled this world with beautiful people, and I thank God for the opportunity I had to kick it with the beautiful ones located in San Qunitin, Baja California. The people, city, sights and tacos made this an all in all fantastic trip!