Sophie Elizabeth.

            “IT’S A GIRL!!!” This was text I woke up to on November 19^th, 2010. I was overcome with joy at the thought of me being an auntie for the very first time. Sophie Elizabeth daughter of Jordan Hofstra and Paul Bazylewski was welcomed into the world. This precious little girl was my niece, this statement still gives me butterflies; it still brings a smile to my face. Though I long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her in person, for now all I can do is look through facebook pictures and think in less than a month I can do all that! I can’t help but think how much of a blessing little Sophie is to both Jordan and Paul. This little angel came at the perfect moment. I am aware that babies aren’t the answers to life’s problems but in this case I feel that Sophie was the answer, she was the perfect blessing. I believe in my heart that this little girl is already changing lives. I thank God every day for blessing my family with this beautiful girl. God is good, and he gave us the most amazing Christmas present ever. Thank you Jesus!

Back to Reality.

Time is running out, the faces that are so familiar to us will soon be gone. This fairytale we are living in will soon be over. It is a sad thought; but on the bright side I know in my heart that I have built some solid relationships with some unreal people. It is strange thought that in less than a month everything will be different. A very dear friend will head on home, back to the place he grew up, back to his family, back to reality. The thought of saying goodbye nearly breaks my heart. Why does he have to go? Why can’t he stay until we all have to go? It would make saying goodbye that much easier. I can’t help but think of the second part of this year and how different it is going to be. I think about the person who hides behind the door as me and Andi enter the house and scare us EVERY time… who is going to do that? I think about that person who makes fun of everybody all the time… who is going to do that? I suppose I should not think about who is going to replace this man, because I know in my heart that no one will. Andrew is one of a kind; Andrew is one of my very best friends. I will miss him everyday until I see him again. For now I shall enjoy my time with him, I should take in every laugh, I should appreciate every mock or joke, I should take in every hug, I should hold onto every single moment until the day he boards that plane back to Ireland.

My Life & Others.

Do you ever look at something and imagine a whole other world? Do you ever look at someone and wonder what if you had looked that way or what if you had been that race or that height, would your life be different? How often do you step back and look at your own life, are you satisfied? Are you living with regret? Do you wish to change things about yourself? Do you have hopes and dreams? Are you going to go after those hopes and dreams, or leave them dormant? I feel that every individual has a purpose in this life; every individual has so much potential to make a difference. I can only hope that people will make the right choice… to go after what they want in this life.

Do you ever think that if you had been another person in this world, would your dreams be the same as they are now? I sometimes wonder if there had been one small adjustment in my life, would I be where I am now. Would I know my God like I do? Would I have these amazing people in my life? Would I be in California? Or would I have gone to college right away? Would I have been a wild child? The questions are endless; the answers are unknown, because that is not how life panned out for me. My God knew, He always knew that my life would go this way. He knew that I would be born in Saskatoon and when I was eighteen years old I would embark on an unreal adventure to California where I would live for a year. He knew that I would stumble throughout my life and He knew that He would pick me right back up and get me back on track.

My God is so powerful and it amazes me, it amazes me that he is all knowing. I will forever continue to stumble because I like other people am human, but I will forever trust in God and I will forever feel safe because He holds me in the palm of His hand. I am surrounded by His love. I suppose I should stop wondering what if. I suppose I should live in my life; I should live the life God has set out for me. I guess sometimes I just I can’t control my wandering brain, I think it is neat to live vicariously through other people. This doesn’t mean I am not happy with my own life, because I am, I got it good, and I praise God for that. God is good.

It all Comes Down to Trust.

How much pain is one person suppose to endure in a lifetime? Don’t you think the loss of one family member is enough? How is a twenty and fourteen year old supposed to cope with the loss of both their mother and sister? It is in these moments where it seems life isn’t fair. It is during the times of tragedy and loss where you will stumble across the question “why?” I am even finding myself asking that question, why this family, why these boys, what could possibly come from this situation. I know and understand that it all comes down to trust, trust in God. In doing this, the situation you are faced with will get easier, and you will be able to see a light through this darkness. I know that it sometimes is easier said than done, especially when you are in those weak moments. It is easier to tell someone they need to trust, that this will all work out, that there is a reason, a purpose for all of this, than it is for you, yourself to do that. If the news of loss was thrown your way, it would maybe be a struggle to give it all up to God, though we know it is what needs to be done, it sometimes doesn’t make sense and in the midst of your darkness there is no light.

I guess all we can do as bystanders is continue to comfort those who mourn, those who hurt. We can continue to pour God’s love onto them, continue to remind them to trust, in the end though it is up to them whether they choose to trust or not to trust. At this point I am trusting, I am trusting that God has some unreal plan for these boys, at this point I also just need to pray, I pray that God would shower these boys with love and just give them a peace and understanding about this whole situation. I just ask God to strengthen them, give them hope for better days to come.

Rest in peace Patricia and Kate Monture, forever loved.

What have I become?

What have I become? This is a question that I come across often. Honestly I don’t know if I really know the answer. I know that I have become someone who I don’t want to be. It’s like I search for drama and opportunities to gossip or put people down, it’s like I search for sin. Boy’s are always on my mind and I claim I don’t want to do that anymore, but who am I kidding? Satan has gotten such a hold of me and he’s not giving up, I need to break the chains, I need to get away from temptation. I need Jesus, I have Jesus but I need to start living like Jesus, living for Jesus. I need to get far away from my evil ways. It seems I get worse and worse every day although I am fully aware of the choices I am making, that is what makes this so much more confusing. I know I am doing wrong yet I still do it, I don’t choose differently. I think I have the strength to not do it, but it’s almost like I like doing it. I get some sort of pleasure putting people down, apparently it gives me some superiority... for the time being, afterwards I feel like crap, I curse myself for the stupid decisions I am making and I tell myself it won’t happen again, until it does... It’s like a never ending cycle. I don’t want there to be a cycle, I want it to stop, and I want to be a good person with a good heart. I don’t want to lust, I don’t want to gossip, I don’t want to be jealous or want what I can’t have. It is tearing me down and I don’t know how much more I can handle. I am just a kid who is searching for answers but I don’t think I’m searching hard enough. I look at some people I’m surrounded with and they love Jesus so much, they don’t seem like they stumble and that kills me, why can’t that be me, why can’t I live like that. I pity myself with the copout “why me?”...which is stupid because I have it so easy, I am just not trying hard enough. I love Jesus and we have such a solid relationship at camp in the summer and I am on this spiritual high and then I go back home and slowly reality kicks and it’s like goodbye Jesus, until next summer. I don’t want that! Yet I say I don’t want that but I don’t do anything to change that, I act like I am a good Christian but I am so far from being a good Christian, I feel like a fake. It is killing me, I love Jesus and I know that is not fake, Jesus loves me and I know that is not fake. I am screaming for help, I can’t keep living like this, this isn’t me. Is California where I am supposed to be? I think so, or I wouldn’t be here right, maybe this is the year where God uses me and where I really strive to change, no more sitting around waiting for some miracle. It doesn’t happen that way, I need to put forth an effort, and I need to put my all into this relationship. I need to be open to anything and everything and I need to practice some serious self control. I need Jesus, now and forever. I have hope that someday I will be content with everything, I have hope that these troubles I face today will be small hurdles I once overcame. I will never lose hope...

Blind.

Powerful is the only word to describe this night, though I knew so few of the songs, it was the atmosphere as a whole that moved me. The large crowd that showed up, the worship band, the girl painting on the side. As I sat in the back I really listened to the words being sang, I watched the people around the room worship Jesus, some stood others knelt, some sat others lay on the ground, eyes opened, eyes closed, hands up, hands closed, some danced; so many different ways of worshiping Jesus and it is so neat to see how individuals go about doing that. It makes me think, how do I worship Jesus? Yes I lift my hands, yes I dance, but is it only through music that I worship him? Or do I worship him in my day to day things, in my actions, in my hobbies and interests, in my everything. That is what I should be doing, I feel that I need to be broken, I need to be blind because I think I see and I think I know, but I don’t know anything, I got it all wrong. I need Jesus and I need to be living for him and only him in everything I do each moment of each day.

A girl tonight, she got up on stage and she played the piano and sang, she sang “My Chains are Gone,” this girl was blind, and it really just moved me, seeing this girl up there worshiping Jesus, it was so unbelievably powerful. She was blind and in that moment I wanted what she had, I wanted to be blind to the world and just feel the presence of God moving within me. She loved Jesus so much and you could see that so clearly, she was such a light up on that stage, she shone throughout the room.

I think the problem with so many people is we get caught up in the worldly things, in what we can see and so easily we find ourselves in situations or problems, but if your like me you will think your strong, and you will think that you can handle it on your own, these are the moments where we need to be blind because the truth is we cant handle it on our own, we need God, we need to give up our worries and our hurts to him. You can’t hide things from him, its impossible. Shut our eyes, and be blind to the things of the world that will tear us down, that will pull us back, that will cause us to stumble, and fix our eyes on Jesus.  

Friends without Homes.

I am not a morning person, waking up even before ten basically kills me. The thought of waking up at 6:00am is hysterical. I never imagined there could be something that would make me eager to wake up at that time, but there was. I look forward to the mornings where I get to wake up bright and early to go and hang out with our friends without homes.

I wish I could explain to you the feelings inside of me as we pull into the civic center, our friends gathered around eagerly waiting for a nice cup of hot coffee and some pastries. The joy that fills their faces as they get that small token, it’s funny to me because for most people coffee in the morning is such a routine thing that often people don’t stop to think how lucky they are for the little things, like a cup of coffee.

As our friends gather their goods they spread out to their usual places. You will find Rory and Jesse sitting along the wall with the radio playing, Kevin is usually wandering around, you will see both new and old faces; there are two familiar faces that I look most forward to seeing each week. Saoul and Ualdo, my Spanish friends! Saoul cracks me up because each time I see him he goes off speaking Spanish to me, trying to have full out conversations when he knows very well that I do not know Spanish at all! Ualdo steps in as the translator, and together they try and teach me Spanish. They are great fun and they have this way of making me smile, despite the early morning. I remember I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks and when I finally got to I asked them to tell me something new and exciting that had been happening in their lives! The first thing they said was that I had come to see them that day. This simple remark goes to show that I may make a bigger impact on them than I think, they impact me so much and maybe it is a mutual thing.

I can only hope that I affect them like they do me. It gives me a warm feeling to know that the simplest of things make these people happy, a cup of coffee, a pastry, a person to listen to them talk. I am very aware that people have a way of coming into your life, and leaving a mark. These men are perfect examples of that, they have come into my life, and they have left their mark, and although they might not remember me forever, I will never forget them. They will forever be my amigos!

Father Daughter Love.

How often do you look at a person and wonder what their life is like? Do you ever wonder if they’re happy, or if the smile they wear on their face is just an act. Do you ever think deeper and wonder what their life is like behind all the smiles and laughs? Maybe certain people you see day to day have really hard lives back home, maybe they have an eating disorder, maybe their parents are going through a nasty divorce, maybe their father is homeless. I often don’t take the time to think about these things, today changed that for me, as I saw one of my best friends go on a search for her father. Early in the morning she got a text from her mother saying that her father had been hit by a car, it takes quite the toll on you to hear something like that. She hadn’t seen her father in quite awhile so she wanted to go see him; we hopped in the car and drove out to see him.

On our way we were told that he walked out of the hospital and no one could find him, I felt in my heart that we were going to see her father that day, so we continued on our journey. When we arrived in Riverside we began our search, we spotted two shopping carts filled with stuff, and soon found out they belonged to her father, Jesse. We continued on our search, and just as we were losing hope we spotted him, walking down the street with a new shopping cart. We immediately pulled over and overcome with emotion we said a quick prayer and headed out to greet him. My friend although timid, was filled with a comfort joyous look… she found her daddy. I stood there in awe as this courageous girl approached her father and introduced herself, “Hi Jesse, do you remember me? It’s Andrea, your daughter.” Taken aback his face softened, “Hi Mija, how are you?” My eyes filled up with tears as I watched this, how can an eighteen year old girl be so strong? How is it fair for a child to have to tell their father who they are? This moment was special; I was honoured to be a witness of it.

As we walked on towards his carts I walked behind, watching and thinking. I though of Jesse and how he may have use to be, once upon a time he married a wonderful woman, they exchanged vows and together they created four beautiful children. I wonder how he came to be this way. I wonder if he ever thinks about the way things use to be and want to go back, I wonder if he has regrets, or is he truly happy. When we reached our destination we each grabbed hold a cart and pushed them to a new location. It was quite a neat experience, three of us in a line, pushing carts loaded with belongings. As people in their cars sat and watched us, I wonder what was going through their minds, would they ever think that maybe that man is one of the girls father? We reached Jesse’s usual place and soon my friend’s mother and aunt arrived. They surrounded Jesse and my friend prayed that moment was both powerful and emotional.

As I listened to the prayers I was overcome with emotion, so much of this situation didn’t make sense to me, yet this girl who had been through eighteen years of it was so tough and so strong. Shortly after praying, they said their goodbyes, which was the hardest part of the whole day, because once again it got me thinking… when will she see her father again? When will she talk to him? What will bring her to him again? From this entire experience I have been inspired, this girl, Andi, is one of the strongest people I have ever met, one of the toughest girls I have ever met. She brings hope to people; she has this peace about this situation which many people would never understand. I admire her for that, I am so honoured to call this girl my friend.

My Dancer Girl.

It was a perfect night at camp as I sat in the back watching the campers praying together, worshiping, and coming to know Jesus. The Holy Spirit was ever so present on this particular night, I remember sitting in the back and for the first time in a long time I cried, not tears of pain this time but tears of joy! My heart was so full that night, so filled with love and I couldn’t help but cry as I watched so many young people express their love for Jesus, it overwhelmed me. After a fantastic day I was set for a goodnights sleep, but before heading to bed I had a phone call I had to take.

It is amazing how one phone call; just one sentence can turn your life upside down. I remember getting on the phone with my very best friend Erin, and I remember her breaking the news to me about Kate’s death. On August 16^th, 2009 Kate Monture took her life. I remember hanging up the phone and as per usual I tried dealing with this on my own, I felt as though someone just hit me with a truck, I was a zombie, I had no words, I just walked... and eventually I broke, and in this moment I knew this was too big for me to deal with on my own. I kept thinking about her family, about Patricia finding her, about her brothers... their perfect little dancer girl, their peppy loving sweet girl was gone. Just like that. 

After such a tragedy you begin to have question after question, and you want answers, even though it is quite obvious you won’t get them, you look anyways. I remember searching all over her poetry blog, her facebook, and her notes for answers. Right there, on the screen in front of my face was brokenness, a sad girl who was crying out for help and no one noticed, because when you’re oblivious like me you think poetry is just poetry, it’s always deep and sad and well it can be pretty depressing. Why didn’t anyone see the signs? Kate was broken; she was crying out... she was screaming out!

Kate’s gone now and this whole thing is too big for me to handle, the only thing I can do now is miss her. This is in God’s hands, only He knows, I can only hope that something happened right in her last breaths... I can only hope. Someday I will know, maybe! For now I need to move on, I can’t dwell in this death forever, I can’t keep searching for answers that I probably won’t get. I need to let go. I love you Kate and I miss you every day, keep smiling and dancing.