What Matters?

Do I not exist? Do the things I do not matter? Do they know how much their lack of attention hurts me? It’s not that I need the spot light all the time, but once in awhile it doesn’t hurt. Do they even know what I do in California? Do they even care?

My sister is currently enrolled at a performing arts school in Toronto. She loves to perform, she is a phenomenal singer, heck she’s a triple threat! Words can’t even describe how proud I am of her, but at the same time I am perhaps a tad envious. It’s just that people take such an interest in what she is doing; they are constantly asking her questions. It’s like they see a point in what she is doing… but apparently they don’t see a point in what I’m doing. I suppose it hurts most because what I am doing matters to me, and I don’t think they see that. Do they not see how happy I am? When I talk about my life in California I am glowing. I am so filled with joy when I speak about the friends I’ve made, overcome with happiness when I talk about the church and the things I do within it. I suppose they don’t notice these things, because they don’t ask.

I guess it just hurts to see people in such awe over my sister, while I just sit there wondering if anyone cares. Maybe I am being a big baby, but for know I don’t care. They make jokes… to them they are hilarious, to me it hurts. I don’t think they see that either. They laugh, I walk away. Take a hint maybe… it’s not funny. “Oh she won’t be coming out with us because she believes in God”… like what does that even mean? “You shouldn’t watch this or do that because you’re Christian now right?” I’m sick of it. It’s funny to me though, because the place I use to call home, has never felt more strange. I suppose I didn’t think California would take the place of home, at least not this quick, but I feel safe there. I can freely talk about my faith without getting ridiculed, I can freely pray without being mocked.

All I really want is for my family to take an interest in the things that I am doing, the things in life that I care about. Even the simplest things seem impossible… read my journals…look at this photo… listen to this story… the response I tend to always get “maybe later.” If it involves my sister though it seems they can drop anything and everything to listen to a song… watch a dance… hear about the adventures in Toronto. I am trying to be strong and show them that it doesn’t phase me, so that maybe they will see a change in me, maybe they will see the patience and obedience I am trying to practice with them, maybe they would see the love I am trying to pour out to them and then maybe they will start to ask questions, but I’m at my breaking point, I’m exhausted.

I feel what I am doing in California is so important, it is teaching me so much about who I am, what my purpose is in life. I think the things I am learning are going to help me throughout my life, down the road, into my future. I suppose all I can really do at this point is persevere, persevere, persevere…

Remember When.

Remember how fast high school flew by? In the blink of an eye four years of your life had passed, it was time to begin your life. It is so crazy to me how the important, exciting moments in a persons life pass by just like that. It’s the moments that we wish would fly by that tend to drag on forever. What happened to our child hood? What happened to our adolescent years? What happened to birthday parties and play dates and recess? Where does the time go?

It seems like maybe a week ago I was saying goodbye to friends and family and boarding a plane to California. It seems like yesterday I was shaking hands with strangers who would soon be like family. It seems like yesterday I was adjusting to my new life. It is so strange how the last four months have come and gone. Though those months have come and gone, one thing still remains and that is memories. The memories built with these people are ones that will last a life time. Tears, laughs, anger… we’ve experienced it all, and looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I suppose coming to California I had some expectations… sunshine, new relationships, deeper knowledge and understanding of who God is. I expected a change, a change in my life. What I didn’t expect was that the relationships built would be so much more than a new friend, they would be like family. What I didn’t expect was that California would steal my whole heart, this church, the people, everything about this place I am completely in love with. Looking back I have no regrets, looking back I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I could ask is for time to slow down, because before I know it the second half of this internship will be over too, and soon this place I am so in love with will just be another memory.

Years from now I will look back at this as a “remember when.” Remember when I lived in California for a year… remember when I lived with six boys and one girl… remember when I interned at the most amazing church… remember when I had an incredible group of Californian friends. I hope that the connection I have made with this place will remain with me forever, that I will be able to bring my family here someday and show them the place that impacted my life in such an amazing way. Thank God for opportunities such as these.

Never Grow Up.

Do you ever wish you could go back? Back to the days when nothing mattered, back to the days when you could dress how YOU wanted to, not how society wanted you to. Back to the days when you could be friends with whoever you wanted to, and no one would question it. Back to the days when you could freely dream without people telling you it is impossible. Sometimes I wish I could go back, sometimes I wish I could pause and rewind and stay young and careless for a little while longer. I can’t help but laugh when I look back to the worries I once would stress about, how insignificant they are to the worries I face now, yet I know my worries now will also be insignificant in a short while. I remember always talking with my friends; saying things like “I can’t wait to grow up,” and “when I get older I’m going to wear this and do that…” It’s funny how we talk now… “I wish we could go back,” and “remember when we were kids and we could wear this and do that…”

We live in a world where we are pressured to grow up; we are pressured to be people that were not. We live in a world where beauty is portrayed as the skinny supermodel with caked make up posing on the cover of magazines. That’s not beauty; beauty is a person’s heart, the love that should overflow from it. Beauty is how a person treats and acts towards others. It is sad that children as young as ten years old are pressured into being “beautiful,” pressured into looking “right.”

If I could give a young child advice it would be this… enjoy being young, enjoy not having responsibilities, enjoy the freedom! I would tell them to be who they are, be real, have full hearts, love unconditionally. I would tell them to not listen to the views of the world, to not listen to what society declares as “normal.” Though I know this is what I would tell them, what I would hope they would do, I know very well that most young children won’t listen to this advice. I guess I can only hope that one day they will realize this on their own, they will realize that they are young and they should enjoy being young, that they will depend not on the pressures of society but on the condition of their own hearts, making sure that they are as they should be… overflowing with love.

Missions to Mexico.

When I think Mexico I think of a laid back holiday and sun tans, I think resorts and beaches and freedom. It is crazy what lies outside of that. What lies outside of that is poverty, people working in rundown shacks to make ends meat, people living in concrete buildings with no doors or windows, people wearing dirty clothes and looking as though they haven’t showered in years. This is what lies outside people’s vacation spots… a person’s reality.

The opportunity to go and reach out to these people living with nothing was an amazing experience. A group of twelve of us headed to San Qunitin to bring Christmas bags to children who would not receive much, if anything, this holiday season. We headed down for a short missions trip on Thursday. It was a long drive and when we arrived we ate and headed to our hotel for an early night. The following morning a few of us got up early and headed to a local home where we prepared breakfast for the rest of the team. San Qunitin is a Spanish speaking city and I not knowing a lick of Spanish stood and watched as the others conversed. Shortly after breakfast we headed out to a local orphanage and a local Old Folks home where both Gary and David went in to see if there was any way we could reach out to them, if there anything they needed help with. We were able to give shoes to the people living in the old folk’s home.

Friday evening Gary spoke at a church, we headed there and listened as Gary spoke on reaching out to people and being a witness to people, doing whatever it takes to help people find God, to bring them into relationship with him. After the sermon we grabbed some Christmas bags and began handing them out to children, it was so humbling to see these children so grateful for such a small token. Something of which most people would take for granted, a simple toothbrush, a small toy, to most would mean nothing, to them it meant the world. After the children received their bags, they sat down with smiles as they looked at the things they had just got. We then brought out bags of shoes and allowed the older people of the church to come and grab what they needed, as they collected shoes of all sizes and styles I couldn’t help but notice the shoes on their feet. Holes, no laces, ripped, tattered, too big, too small, it was heartbreaking. They didn’t care what the shoes looked like that they were getting, they were just so grateful they had something to put on their feet. It was nice to leave that church that night knowing that the people of the church were leaving with smiles on their faces. After this we headed off to the beach where some of the boys set off fireworks. We didn’t stay long because we had a circus to get to, when we arrived at the circus we were late, it was half over but we went anyways, it was a neat little experience. We headed back to the hotel after to prepare for another early morning.

The final morning in Mexico we headed to another church where we handed out Christmas bags to more children, this church had much more children than the last. Once again I was overcome with joy as I watched these children’s faces light up when they received their small gifts. It was so amazing to be a witness to this.

This concluded our journey to Mexico; although it was a short trip it was all worth it. What a blessing to be a part of such an experience, what an honour it was to reach out to the less fortunate, what a great thing to be a witness to. God has filled this world with beautiful people, and I thank God for the opportunity I had to kick it with the beautiful ones located in San Qunitin, Baja California. The people, city, sights and tacos made this an all in all fantastic trip!

Baptism.

Baptism never seemed to be something that I ever thought about, nor considered. It wasn’t until I moved to California and began my Berean classes that baptism really caught my attention. While reading through The Life and Teachings of Christ I came across a section on John the Baptist and

Baptism itself, and the meaning behind it. I quickly went to my roommate and asked her about it, she told me about her experience and why it is a good idea to be baptized as a Christian. I suppose I never considered baptism because I had been baptized as a baby into the Catholic Church, just the idea itself had never seemed to cross my mind. After reading more about it and talking more to my roommate I decided that this is something I wanted to do, I wanted to be baptized as a Christian. I wanted to be baptized in the ocean by Gary Garcia… and so I did.

On November 28^th, 2010 I was baptized at Corona Del Mar, with four other friends. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. The sun setting on the Ocean, which eventually turned into dark, a group of close friends gathered to witness this important experience, what more could a person ask for. Although it was freezing, this is a night that will not be forgotten. Thank God for opportunities like this.

Youth Convention.

First Youth Convention experience = epic! Phil Wickham = epic! Leeland = epic! The weekend as a whole = epic! Going into this weekend I really didn’t know what to expect, this time I was not a student, I was a leader meaning I had a responsibility; I had to be in control. This scared me a bit, but at the same time I liked the thought of having a group of girls that I got to watch over, that I got to hang out and connect with. Although I didn’t know what to expect from this weekend I did know that something amazing was bound to happen, whether it be to me or to fellow students and leaders on the trip. I knew God was going to work through people and transform lives and man did he ever!

The worship for the weekend was led by Phil Wickham, and when I tell you he did an amazing job, I truly mean he did an amazing job. The speakers varied, each individual had a great message, and between them all they each made some point or remark that touched my heart in a big way. I was able to make a connection to the messages in my own life, some of the things I really needed to hear.

The first night as I sat in the audience I was able to witness hundreds of students crowd the front and give their life to Jesus, whether it be for the first time or a rededication, that night people came and gave their lives to Jesus and it was the most amazing thing I got to see, I was overcome with joy. Praise God! I can only hope and pray that after that weekend, once the spiritual high fades these students will continue to follow God, continue to walk in his path, continue to live like Jesus. I thank God for an amazing weekend, I thank God for touching the hearts of many people, I thank God for transforming lives.