What Matters?

Do I not exist? Do the things I do not matter? Do they know how much their lack of attention hurts me? It’s not that I need the spot light all the time, but once in awhile it doesn’t hurt. Do they even know what I do in California? Do they even care?

My sister is currently enrolled at a performing arts school in Toronto. She loves to perform, she is a phenomenal singer, heck she’s a triple threat! Words can’t even describe how proud I am of her, but at the same time I am perhaps a tad envious. It’s just that people take such an interest in what she is doing; they are constantly asking her questions. It’s like they see a point in what she is doing… but apparently they don’t see a point in what I’m doing. I suppose it hurts most because what I am doing matters to me, and I don’t think they see that. Do they not see how happy I am? When I talk about my life in California I am glowing. I am so filled with joy when I speak about the friends I’ve made, overcome with happiness when I talk about the church and the things I do within it. I suppose they don’t notice these things, because they don’t ask.

I guess it just hurts to see people in such awe over my sister, while I just sit there wondering if anyone cares. Maybe I am being a big baby, but for know I don’t care. They make jokes… to them they are hilarious, to me it hurts. I don’t think they see that either. They laugh, I walk away. Take a hint maybe… it’s not funny. “Oh she won’t be coming out with us because she believes in God”… like what does that even mean? “You shouldn’t watch this or do that because you’re Christian now right?” I’m sick of it. It’s funny to me though, because the place I use to call home, has never felt more strange. I suppose I didn’t think California would take the place of home, at least not this quick, but I feel safe there. I can freely talk about my faith without getting ridiculed, I can freely pray without being mocked.

All I really want is for my family to take an interest in the things that I am doing, the things in life that I care about. Even the simplest things seem impossible… read my journals…look at this photo… listen to this story… the response I tend to always get “maybe later.” If it involves my sister though it seems they can drop anything and everything to listen to a song… watch a dance… hear about the adventures in Toronto. I am trying to be strong and show them that it doesn’t phase me, so that maybe they will see a change in me, maybe they will see the patience and obedience I am trying to practice with them, maybe they would see the love I am trying to pour out to them and then maybe they will start to ask questions, but I’m at my breaking point, I’m exhausted.

I feel what I am doing in California is so important, it is teaching me so much about who I am, what my purpose is in life. I think the things I am learning are going to help me throughout my life, down the road, into my future. I suppose all I can really do at this point is persevere, persevere, persevere…