What Matters?

Do I not exist? Do the things I do not matter? Do they know how much their lack of attention hurts me? It’s not that I need the spot light all the time, but once in awhile it doesn’t hurt. Do they even know what I do in California? Do they even care?

My sister is currently enrolled at a performing arts school in Toronto. She loves to perform, she is a phenomenal singer, heck she’s a triple threat! Words can’t even describe how proud I am of her, but at the same time I am perhaps a tad envious. It’s just that people take such an interest in what she is doing; they are constantly asking her questions. It’s like they see a point in what she is doing… but apparently they don’t see a point in what I’m doing. I suppose it hurts most because what I am doing matters to me, and I don’t think they see that. Do they not see how happy I am? When I talk about my life in California I am glowing. I am so filled with joy when I speak about the friends I’ve made, overcome with happiness when I talk about the church and the things I do within it. I suppose they don’t notice these things, because they don’t ask.

I guess it just hurts to see people in such awe over my sister, while I just sit there wondering if anyone cares. Maybe I am being a big baby, but for know I don’t care. They make jokes… to them they are hilarious, to me it hurts. I don’t think they see that either. They laugh, I walk away. Take a hint maybe… it’s not funny. “Oh she won’t be coming out with us because she believes in God”… like what does that even mean? “You shouldn’t watch this or do that because you’re Christian now right?” I’m sick of it. It’s funny to me though, because the place I use to call home, has never felt more strange. I suppose I didn’t think California would take the place of home, at least not this quick, but I feel safe there. I can freely talk about my faith without getting ridiculed, I can freely pray without being mocked.

All I really want is for my family to take an interest in the things that I am doing, the things in life that I care about. Even the simplest things seem impossible… read my journals…look at this photo… listen to this story… the response I tend to always get “maybe later.” If it involves my sister though it seems they can drop anything and everything to listen to a song… watch a dance… hear about the adventures in Toronto. I am trying to be strong and show them that it doesn’t phase me, so that maybe they will see a change in me, maybe they will see the patience and obedience I am trying to practice with them, maybe they would see the love I am trying to pour out to them and then maybe they will start to ask questions, but I’m at my breaking point, I’m exhausted.

I feel what I am doing in California is so important, it is teaching me so much about who I am, what my purpose is in life. I think the things I am learning are going to help me throughout my life, down the road, into my future. I suppose all I can really do at this point is persevere, persevere, persevere…

Remember When.

Remember how fast high school flew by? In the blink of an eye four years of your life had passed, it was time to begin your life. It is so crazy to me how the important, exciting moments in a persons life pass by just like that. It’s the moments that we wish would fly by that tend to drag on forever. What happened to our child hood? What happened to our adolescent years? What happened to birthday parties and play dates and recess? Where does the time go?

It seems like maybe a week ago I was saying goodbye to friends and family and boarding a plane to California. It seems like yesterday I was shaking hands with strangers who would soon be like family. It seems like yesterday I was adjusting to my new life. It is so strange how the last four months have come and gone. Though those months have come and gone, one thing still remains and that is memories. The memories built with these people are ones that will last a life time. Tears, laughs, anger… we’ve experienced it all, and looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I suppose coming to California I had some expectations… sunshine, new relationships, deeper knowledge and understanding of who God is. I expected a change, a change in my life. What I didn’t expect was that the relationships built would be so much more than a new friend, they would be like family. What I didn’t expect was that California would steal my whole heart, this church, the people, everything about this place I am completely in love with. Looking back I have no regrets, looking back I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I could ask is for time to slow down, because before I know it the second half of this internship will be over too, and soon this place I am so in love with will just be another memory.

Years from now I will look back at this as a “remember when.” Remember when I lived in California for a year… remember when I lived with six boys and one girl… remember when I interned at the most amazing church… remember when I had an incredible group of Californian friends. I hope that the connection I have made with this place will remain with me forever, that I will be able to bring my family here someday and show them the place that impacted my life in such an amazing way. Thank God for opportunities such as these.

Never Grow Up.

Do you ever wish you could go back? Back to the days when nothing mattered, back to the days when you could dress how YOU wanted to, not how society wanted you to. Back to the days when you could be friends with whoever you wanted to, and no one would question it. Back to the days when you could freely dream without people telling you it is impossible. Sometimes I wish I could go back, sometimes I wish I could pause and rewind and stay young and careless for a little while longer. I can’t help but laugh when I look back to the worries I once would stress about, how insignificant they are to the worries I face now, yet I know my worries now will also be insignificant in a short while. I remember always talking with my friends; saying things like “I can’t wait to grow up,” and “when I get older I’m going to wear this and do that…” It’s funny how we talk now… “I wish we could go back,” and “remember when we were kids and we could wear this and do that…”

We live in a world where we are pressured to grow up; we are pressured to be people that were not. We live in a world where beauty is portrayed as the skinny supermodel with caked make up posing on the cover of magazines. That’s not beauty; beauty is a person’s heart, the love that should overflow from it. Beauty is how a person treats and acts towards others. It is sad that children as young as ten years old are pressured into being “beautiful,” pressured into looking “right.”

If I could give a young child advice it would be this… enjoy being young, enjoy not having responsibilities, enjoy the freedom! I would tell them to be who they are, be real, have full hearts, love unconditionally. I would tell them to not listen to the views of the world, to not listen to what society declares as “normal.” Though I know this is what I would tell them, what I would hope they would do, I know very well that most young children won’t listen to this advice. I guess I can only hope that one day they will realize this on their own, they will realize that they are young and they should enjoy being young, that they will depend not on the pressures of society but on the condition of their own hearts, making sure that they are as they should be… overflowing with love.

Missions to Mexico.

When I think Mexico I think of a laid back holiday and sun tans, I think resorts and beaches and freedom. It is crazy what lies outside of that. What lies outside of that is poverty, people working in rundown shacks to make ends meat, people living in concrete buildings with no doors or windows, people wearing dirty clothes and looking as though they haven’t showered in years. This is what lies outside people’s vacation spots… a person’s reality.

The opportunity to go and reach out to these people living with nothing was an amazing experience. A group of twelve of us headed to San Qunitin to bring Christmas bags to children who would not receive much, if anything, this holiday season. We headed down for a short missions trip on Thursday. It was a long drive and when we arrived we ate and headed to our hotel for an early night. The following morning a few of us got up early and headed to a local home where we prepared breakfast for the rest of the team. San Qunitin is a Spanish speaking city and I not knowing a lick of Spanish stood and watched as the others conversed. Shortly after breakfast we headed out to a local orphanage and a local Old Folks home where both Gary and David went in to see if there was any way we could reach out to them, if there anything they needed help with. We were able to give shoes to the people living in the old folk’s home.

Friday evening Gary spoke at a church, we headed there and listened as Gary spoke on reaching out to people and being a witness to people, doing whatever it takes to help people find God, to bring them into relationship with him. After the sermon we grabbed some Christmas bags and began handing them out to children, it was so humbling to see these children so grateful for such a small token. Something of which most people would take for granted, a simple toothbrush, a small toy, to most would mean nothing, to them it meant the world. After the children received their bags, they sat down with smiles as they looked at the things they had just got. We then brought out bags of shoes and allowed the older people of the church to come and grab what they needed, as they collected shoes of all sizes and styles I couldn’t help but notice the shoes on their feet. Holes, no laces, ripped, tattered, too big, too small, it was heartbreaking. They didn’t care what the shoes looked like that they were getting, they were just so grateful they had something to put on their feet. It was nice to leave that church that night knowing that the people of the church were leaving with smiles on their faces. After this we headed off to the beach where some of the boys set off fireworks. We didn’t stay long because we had a circus to get to, when we arrived at the circus we were late, it was half over but we went anyways, it was a neat little experience. We headed back to the hotel after to prepare for another early morning.

The final morning in Mexico we headed to another church where we handed out Christmas bags to more children, this church had much more children than the last. Once again I was overcome with joy as I watched these children’s faces light up when they received their small gifts. It was so amazing to be a witness to this.

This concluded our journey to Mexico; although it was a short trip it was all worth it. What a blessing to be a part of such an experience, what an honour it was to reach out to the less fortunate, what a great thing to be a witness to. God has filled this world with beautiful people, and I thank God for the opportunity I had to kick it with the beautiful ones located in San Qunitin, Baja California. The people, city, sights and tacos made this an all in all fantastic trip!

Baptism.

Baptism never seemed to be something that I ever thought about, nor considered. It wasn’t until I moved to California and began my Berean classes that baptism really caught my attention. While reading through The Life and Teachings of Christ I came across a section on John the Baptist and

Baptism itself, and the meaning behind it. I quickly went to my roommate and asked her about it, she told me about her experience and why it is a good idea to be baptized as a Christian. I suppose I never considered baptism because I had been baptized as a baby into the Catholic Church, just the idea itself had never seemed to cross my mind. After reading more about it and talking more to my roommate I decided that this is something I wanted to do, I wanted to be baptized as a Christian. I wanted to be baptized in the ocean by Gary Garcia… and so I did.

On November 28^th, 2010 I was baptized at Corona Del Mar, with four other friends. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. The sun setting on the Ocean, which eventually turned into dark, a group of close friends gathered to witness this important experience, what more could a person ask for. Although it was freezing, this is a night that will not be forgotten. Thank God for opportunities like this.

Youth Convention.

First Youth Convention experience = epic! Phil Wickham = epic! Leeland = epic! The weekend as a whole = epic! Going into this weekend I really didn’t know what to expect, this time I was not a student, I was a leader meaning I had a responsibility; I had to be in control. This scared me a bit, but at the same time I liked the thought of having a group of girls that I got to watch over, that I got to hang out and connect with. Although I didn’t know what to expect from this weekend I did know that something amazing was bound to happen, whether it be to me or to fellow students and leaders on the trip. I knew God was going to work through people and transform lives and man did he ever!

The worship for the weekend was led by Phil Wickham, and when I tell you he did an amazing job, I truly mean he did an amazing job. The speakers varied, each individual had a great message, and between them all they each made some point or remark that touched my heart in a big way. I was able to make a connection to the messages in my own life, some of the things I really needed to hear.

The first night as I sat in the audience I was able to witness hundreds of students crowd the front and give their life to Jesus, whether it be for the first time or a rededication, that night people came and gave their lives to Jesus and it was the most amazing thing I got to see, I was overcome with joy. Praise God! I can only hope and pray that after that weekend, once the spiritual high fades these students will continue to follow God, continue to walk in his path, continue to live like Jesus. I thank God for an amazing weekend, I thank God for touching the hearts of many people, I thank God for transforming lives.

Sophie Elizabeth.

            “IT’S A GIRL!!!” This was text I woke up to on November 19^th, 2010. I was overcome with joy at the thought of me being an auntie for the very first time. Sophie Elizabeth daughter of Jordan Hofstra and Paul Bazylewski was welcomed into the world. This precious little girl was my niece, this statement still gives me butterflies; it still brings a smile to my face. Though I long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her in person, for now all I can do is look through facebook pictures and think in less than a month I can do all that! I can’t help but think how much of a blessing little Sophie is to both Jordan and Paul. This little angel came at the perfect moment. I am aware that babies aren’t the answers to life’s problems but in this case I feel that Sophie was the answer, she was the perfect blessing. I believe in my heart that this little girl is already changing lives. I thank God every day for blessing my family with this beautiful girl. God is good, and he gave us the most amazing Christmas present ever. Thank you Jesus!

Back to Reality.

Time is running out, the faces that are so familiar to us will soon be gone. This fairytale we are living in will soon be over. It is a sad thought; but on the bright side I know in my heart that I have built some solid relationships with some unreal people. It is strange thought that in less than a month everything will be different. A very dear friend will head on home, back to the place he grew up, back to his family, back to reality. The thought of saying goodbye nearly breaks my heart. Why does he have to go? Why can’t he stay until we all have to go? It would make saying goodbye that much easier. I can’t help but think of the second part of this year and how different it is going to be. I think about the person who hides behind the door as me and Andi enter the house and scare us EVERY time… who is going to do that? I think about that person who makes fun of everybody all the time… who is going to do that? I suppose I should not think about who is going to replace this man, because I know in my heart that no one will. Andrew is one of a kind; Andrew is one of my very best friends. I will miss him everyday until I see him again. For now I shall enjoy my time with him, I should take in every laugh, I should appreciate every mock or joke, I should take in every hug, I should hold onto every single moment until the day he boards that plane back to Ireland.

My Life & Others.

Do you ever look at something and imagine a whole other world? Do you ever look at someone and wonder what if you had looked that way or what if you had been that race or that height, would your life be different? How often do you step back and look at your own life, are you satisfied? Are you living with regret? Do you wish to change things about yourself? Do you have hopes and dreams? Are you going to go after those hopes and dreams, or leave them dormant? I feel that every individual has a purpose in this life; every individual has so much potential to make a difference. I can only hope that people will make the right choice… to go after what they want in this life.

Do you ever think that if you had been another person in this world, would your dreams be the same as they are now? I sometimes wonder if there had been one small adjustment in my life, would I be where I am now. Would I know my God like I do? Would I have these amazing people in my life? Would I be in California? Or would I have gone to college right away? Would I have been a wild child? The questions are endless; the answers are unknown, because that is not how life panned out for me. My God knew, He always knew that my life would go this way. He knew that I would be born in Saskatoon and when I was eighteen years old I would embark on an unreal adventure to California where I would live for a year. He knew that I would stumble throughout my life and He knew that He would pick me right back up and get me back on track.

My God is so powerful and it amazes me, it amazes me that he is all knowing. I will forever continue to stumble because I like other people am human, but I will forever trust in God and I will forever feel safe because He holds me in the palm of His hand. I am surrounded by His love. I suppose I should stop wondering what if. I suppose I should live in my life; I should live the life God has set out for me. I guess sometimes I just I can’t control my wandering brain, I think it is neat to live vicariously through other people. This doesn’t mean I am not happy with my own life, because I am, I got it good, and I praise God for that. God is good.

It all Comes Down to Trust.

How much pain is one person suppose to endure in a lifetime? Don’t you think the loss of one family member is enough? How is a twenty and fourteen year old supposed to cope with the loss of both their mother and sister? It is in these moments where it seems life isn’t fair. It is during the times of tragedy and loss where you will stumble across the question “why?” I am even finding myself asking that question, why this family, why these boys, what could possibly come from this situation. I know and understand that it all comes down to trust, trust in God. In doing this, the situation you are faced with will get easier, and you will be able to see a light through this darkness. I know that it sometimes is easier said than done, especially when you are in those weak moments. It is easier to tell someone they need to trust, that this will all work out, that there is a reason, a purpose for all of this, than it is for you, yourself to do that. If the news of loss was thrown your way, it would maybe be a struggle to give it all up to God, though we know it is what needs to be done, it sometimes doesn’t make sense and in the midst of your darkness there is no light.

I guess all we can do as bystanders is continue to comfort those who mourn, those who hurt. We can continue to pour God’s love onto them, continue to remind them to trust, in the end though it is up to them whether they choose to trust or not to trust. At this point I am trusting, I am trusting that God has some unreal plan for these boys, at this point I also just need to pray, I pray that God would shower these boys with love and just give them a peace and understanding about this whole situation. I just ask God to strengthen them, give them hope for better days to come.

Rest in peace Patricia and Kate Monture, forever loved.

What have I become?

What have I become? This is a question that I come across often. Honestly I don’t know if I really know the answer. I know that I have become someone who I don’t want to be. It’s like I search for drama and opportunities to gossip or put people down, it’s like I search for sin. Boy’s are always on my mind and I claim I don’t want to do that anymore, but who am I kidding? Satan has gotten such a hold of me and he’s not giving up, I need to break the chains, I need to get away from temptation. I need Jesus, I have Jesus but I need to start living like Jesus, living for Jesus. I need to get far away from my evil ways. It seems I get worse and worse every day although I am fully aware of the choices I am making, that is what makes this so much more confusing. I know I am doing wrong yet I still do it, I don’t choose differently. I think I have the strength to not do it, but it’s almost like I like doing it. I get some sort of pleasure putting people down, apparently it gives me some superiority... for the time being, afterwards I feel like crap, I curse myself for the stupid decisions I am making and I tell myself it won’t happen again, until it does... It’s like a never ending cycle. I don’t want there to be a cycle, I want it to stop, and I want to be a good person with a good heart. I don’t want to lust, I don’t want to gossip, I don’t want to be jealous or want what I can’t have. It is tearing me down and I don’t know how much more I can handle. I am just a kid who is searching for answers but I don’t think I’m searching hard enough. I look at some people I’m surrounded with and they love Jesus so much, they don’t seem like they stumble and that kills me, why can’t that be me, why can’t I live like that. I pity myself with the copout “why me?”...which is stupid because I have it so easy, I am just not trying hard enough. I love Jesus and we have such a solid relationship at camp in the summer and I am on this spiritual high and then I go back home and slowly reality kicks and it’s like goodbye Jesus, until next summer. I don’t want that! Yet I say I don’t want that but I don’t do anything to change that, I act like I am a good Christian but I am so far from being a good Christian, I feel like a fake. It is killing me, I love Jesus and I know that is not fake, Jesus loves me and I know that is not fake. I am screaming for help, I can’t keep living like this, this isn’t me. Is California where I am supposed to be? I think so, or I wouldn’t be here right, maybe this is the year where God uses me and where I really strive to change, no more sitting around waiting for some miracle. It doesn’t happen that way, I need to put forth an effort, and I need to put my all into this relationship. I need to be open to anything and everything and I need to practice some serious self control. I need Jesus, now and forever. I have hope that someday I will be content with everything, I have hope that these troubles I face today will be small hurdles I once overcame. I will never lose hope...

Blind.

Powerful is the only word to describe this night, though I knew so few of the songs, it was the atmosphere as a whole that moved me. The large crowd that showed up, the worship band, the girl painting on the side. As I sat in the back I really listened to the words being sang, I watched the people around the room worship Jesus, some stood others knelt, some sat others lay on the ground, eyes opened, eyes closed, hands up, hands closed, some danced; so many different ways of worshiping Jesus and it is so neat to see how individuals go about doing that. It makes me think, how do I worship Jesus? Yes I lift my hands, yes I dance, but is it only through music that I worship him? Or do I worship him in my day to day things, in my actions, in my hobbies and interests, in my everything. That is what I should be doing, I feel that I need to be broken, I need to be blind because I think I see and I think I know, but I don’t know anything, I got it all wrong. I need Jesus and I need to be living for him and only him in everything I do each moment of each day.

A girl tonight, she got up on stage and she played the piano and sang, she sang “My Chains are Gone,” this girl was blind, and it really just moved me, seeing this girl up there worshiping Jesus, it was so unbelievably powerful. She was blind and in that moment I wanted what she had, I wanted to be blind to the world and just feel the presence of God moving within me. She loved Jesus so much and you could see that so clearly, she was such a light up on that stage, she shone throughout the room.

I think the problem with so many people is we get caught up in the worldly things, in what we can see and so easily we find ourselves in situations or problems, but if your like me you will think your strong, and you will think that you can handle it on your own, these are the moments where we need to be blind because the truth is we cant handle it on our own, we need God, we need to give up our worries and our hurts to him. You can’t hide things from him, its impossible. Shut our eyes, and be blind to the things of the world that will tear us down, that will pull us back, that will cause us to stumble, and fix our eyes on Jesus.  

Friends without Homes.

I am not a morning person, waking up even before ten basically kills me. The thought of waking up at 6:00am is hysterical. I never imagined there could be something that would make me eager to wake up at that time, but there was. I look forward to the mornings where I get to wake up bright and early to go and hang out with our friends without homes.

I wish I could explain to you the feelings inside of me as we pull into the civic center, our friends gathered around eagerly waiting for a nice cup of hot coffee and some pastries. The joy that fills their faces as they get that small token, it’s funny to me because for most people coffee in the morning is such a routine thing that often people don’t stop to think how lucky they are for the little things, like a cup of coffee.

As our friends gather their goods they spread out to their usual places. You will find Rory and Jesse sitting along the wall with the radio playing, Kevin is usually wandering around, you will see both new and old faces; there are two familiar faces that I look most forward to seeing each week. Saoul and Ualdo, my Spanish friends! Saoul cracks me up because each time I see him he goes off speaking Spanish to me, trying to have full out conversations when he knows very well that I do not know Spanish at all! Ualdo steps in as the translator, and together they try and teach me Spanish. They are great fun and they have this way of making me smile, despite the early morning. I remember I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks and when I finally got to I asked them to tell me something new and exciting that had been happening in their lives! The first thing they said was that I had come to see them that day. This simple remark goes to show that I may make a bigger impact on them than I think, they impact me so much and maybe it is a mutual thing.

I can only hope that I affect them like they do me. It gives me a warm feeling to know that the simplest of things make these people happy, a cup of coffee, a pastry, a person to listen to them talk. I am very aware that people have a way of coming into your life, and leaving a mark. These men are perfect examples of that, they have come into my life, and they have left their mark, and although they might not remember me forever, I will never forget them. They will forever be my amigos!

Father Daughter Love.

How often do you look at a person and wonder what their life is like? Do you ever wonder if they’re happy, or if the smile they wear on their face is just an act. Do you ever think deeper and wonder what their life is like behind all the smiles and laughs? Maybe certain people you see day to day have really hard lives back home, maybe they have an eating disorder, maybe their parents are going through a nasty divorce, maybe their father is homeless. I often don’t take the time to think about these things, today changed that for me, as I saw one of my best friends go on a search for her father. Early in the morning she got a text from her mother saying that her father had been hit by a car, it takes quite the toll on you to hear something like that. She hadn’t seen her father in quite awhile so she wanted to go see him; we hopped in the car and drove out to see him.

On our way we were told that he walked out of the hospital and no one could find him, I felt in my heart that we were going to see her father that day, so we continued on our journey. When we arrived in Riverside we began our search, we spotted two shopping carts filled with stuff, and soon found out they belonged to her father, Jesse. We continued on our search, and just as we were losing hope we spotted him, walking down the street with a new shopping cart. We immediately pulled over and overcome with emotion we said a quick prayer and headed out to greet him. My friend although timid, was filled with a comfort joyous look… she found her daddy. I stood there in awe as this courageous girl approached her father and introduced herself, “Hi Jesse, do you remember me? It’s Andrea, your daughter.” Taken aback his face softened, “Hi Mija, how are you?” My eyes filled up with tears as I watched this, how can an eighteen year old girl be so strong? How is it fair for a child to have to tell their father who they are? This moment was special; I was honoured to be a witness of it.

As we walked on towards his carts I walked behind, watching and thinking. I though of Jesse and how he may have use to be, once upon a time he married a wonderful woman, they exchanged vows and together they created four beautiful children. I wonder how he came to be this way. I wonder if he ever thinks about the way things use to be and want to go back, I wonder if he has regrets, or is he truly happy. When we reached our destination we each grabbed hold a cart and pushed them to a new location. It was quite a neat experience, three of us in a line, pushing carts loaded with belongings. As people in their cars sat and watched us, I wonder what was going through their minds, would they ever think that maybe that man is one of the girls father? We reached Jesse’s usual place and soon my friend’s mother and aunt arrived. They surrounded Jesse and my friend prayed that moment was both powerful and emotional.

As I listened to the prayers I was overcome with emotion, so much of this situation didn’t make sense to me, yet this girl who had been through eighteen years of it was so tough and so strong. Shortly after praying, they said their goodbyes, which was the hardest part of the whole day, because once again it got me thinking… when will she see her father again? When will she talk to him? What will bring her to him again? From this entire experience I have been inspired, this girl, Andi, is one of the strongest people I have ever met, one of the toughest girls I have ever met. She brings hope to people; she has this peace about this situation which many people would never understand. I admire her for that, I am so honoured to call this girl my friend.

My Dancer Girl.

It was a perfect night at camp as I sat in the back watching the campers praying together, worshiping, and coming to know Jesus. The Holy Spirit was ever so present on this particular night, I remember sitting in the back and for the first time in a long time I cried, not tears of pain this time but tears of joy! My heart was so full that night, so filled with love and I couldn’t help but cry as I watched so many young people express their love for Jesus, it overwhelmed me. After a fantastic day I was set for a goodnights sleep, but before heading to bed I had a phone call I had to take.

It is amazing how one phone call; just one sentence can turn your life upside down. I remember getting on the phone with my very best friend Erin, and I remember her breaking the news to me about Kate’s death. On August 16^th, 2009 Kate Monture took her life. I remember hanging up the phone and as per usual I tried dealing with this on my own, I felt as though someone just hit me with a truck, I was a zombie, I had no words, I just walked... and eventually I broke, and in this moment I knew this was too big for me to deal with on my own. I kept thinking about her family, about Patricia finding her, about her brothers... their perfect little dancer girl, their peppy loving sweet girl was gone. Just like that. 

After such a tragedy you begin to have question after question, and you want answers, even though it is quite obvious you won’t get them, you look anyways. I remember searching all over her poetry blog, her facebook, and her notes for answers. Right there, on the screen in front of my face was brokenness, a sad girl who was crying out for help and no one noticed, because when you’re oblivious like me you think poetry is just poetry, it’s always deep and sad and well it can be pretty depressing. Why didn’t anyone see the signs? Kate was broken; she was crying out... she was screaming out!

Kate’s gone now and this whole thing is too big for me to handle, the only thing I can do now is miss her. This is in God’s hands, only He knows, I can only hope that something happened right in her last breaths... I can only hope. Someday I will know, maybe! For now I need to move on, I can’t dwell in this death forever, I can’t keep searching for answers that I probably won’t get. I need to let go. I love you Kate and I miss you every day, keep smiling and dancing.