What have I become?

What have I become? This is a question that I come across often. Honestly I don’t know if I really know the answer. I know that I have become someone who I don’t want to be. It’s like I search for drama and opportunities to gossip or put people down, it’s like I search for sin. Boy’s are always on my mind and I claim I don’t want to do that anymore, but who am I kidding? Satan has gotten such a hold of me and he’s not giving up, I need to break the chains, I need to get away from temptation. I need Jesus, I have Jesus but I need to start living like Jesus, living for Jesus. I need to get far away from my evil ways. It seems I get worse and worse every day although I am fully aware of the choices I am making, that is what makes this so much more confusing. I know I am doing wrong yet I still do it, I don’t choose differently. I think I have the strength to not do it, but it’s almost like I like doing it. I get some sort of pleasure putting people down, apparently it gives me some superiority... for the time being, afterwards I feel like crap, I curse myself for the stupid decisions I am making and I tell myself it won’t happen again, until it does... It’s like a never ending cycle. I don’t want there to be a cycle, I want it to stop, and I want to be a good person with a good heart. I don’t want to lust, I don’t want to gossip, I don’t want to be jealous or want what I can’t have. It is tearing me down and I don’t know how much more I can handle. I am just a kid who is searching for answers but I don’t think I’m searching hard enough. I look at some people I’m surrounded with and they love Jesus so much, they don’t seem like they stumble and that kills me, why can’t that be me, why can’t I live like that. I pity myself with the copout “why me?”...which is stupid because I have it so easy, I am just not trying hard enough. I love Jesus and we have such a solid relationship at camp in the summer and I am on this spiritual high and then I go back home and slowly reality kicks and it’s like goodbye Jesus, until next summer. I don’t want that! Yet I say I don’t want that but I don’t do anything to change that, I act like I am a good Christian but I am so far from being a good Christian, I feel like a fake. It is killing me, I love Jesus and I know that is not fake, Jesus loves me and I know that is not fake. I am screaming for help, I can’t keep living like this, this isn’t me. Is California where I am supposed to be? I think so, or I wouldn’t be here right, maybe this is the year where God uses me and where I really strive to change, no more sitting around waiting for some miracle. It doesn’t happen that way, I need to put forth an effort, and I need to put my all into this relationship. I need to be open to anything and everything and I need to practice some serious self control. I need Jesus, now and forever. I have hope that someday I will be content with everything, I have hope that these troubles I face today will be small hurdles I once overcame. I will never lose hope...